my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
