dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
