this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
