I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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