I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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