Got a toothbrush?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
