Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Barsexuality is the new black.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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