I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just gift wrapped bread.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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