TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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