How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
