he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
