i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
