Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
