i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
