Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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