I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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