Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
