I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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