I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize