i jhust puked up my retainher.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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