yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
