after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
