It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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