The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
