I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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