I showed him my bush... on skype.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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