1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize