im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
