You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
