Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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