Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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