everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
