Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
