She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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