my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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