so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
