Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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