Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
two words...techno handjob
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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