Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
