Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We named our party play list daddy issues
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize