I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
