that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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