Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
