Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
