one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My liver just had a heart attack.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
