i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
