This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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