You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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