What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
