Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
