my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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