my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
