I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
