i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
