i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
