My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize