it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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